If I were to ask you what you would consider to be the worst part of living in Florida, what would you say? Would you say it would be the heat? Possibility of a hurricane? Well, friend, you’d be wrong. Like seriously wrong. I’ll tell you what the worst part of living in Florida is. It’s Palmetto Bugs. I mean it. Those bugs are truly the ONLY downside to living here. Now, before you go and think I’m being overdramatic by saying that a little bug is the worst thing about a state, let me educate you for a minute about what a Palmetto Bug is.
Most everyone has seen a cockroach in their life. You see it, you do the little girl Yelp, and then you squish it. Right??? Well, allow me to tell you what happens when you see a Palmetto Bug. Imagine yourself sitting on the couch watching TV at night when suddenly, a shadowy figure catches your attention on the floor. You glance down only to realize you are ACTUALLY staring at the shadow that the bug is casting. Now while you may think I’m exaggerating, please believe I’m not. These bugs are huge. You measure them in inches. Did you hear what I just said?! INCHES!
I hate these things. They aren’t what I would call “common”, but even one every month is enough. They love palm trees (hence “palm-etto”), and I always find they come around when we’ve had a few good days of rain. They just appear, and don’t ask me how because they’re too freaking huge to fit through a crack, and they aren’t courteous enough to ring the doorbell – though trust me, they totally could. And inevitably I always find one when I’m least prepared. Not like I actually walk around with a shoe in one hand and roach spray in the other or anything, but you know what I mean. Basically I walk into my bathroom, and there will be one in there. And it almost feels like you’re intruding on THEIR space. As if I should say “ ‘scuse me – I didn’t know anyone was in here. I’ll come back later.” And then shut the door and burn the house down.
I HATE these things. To me, they might as well be the giant cockroach aliens from Men In Black that are trying to take over the planet. They are that bad. Seriously. Though I always giggle when I think of how I must look killing one. If you’ve ever seen the movie Bird On A Wire, there is a scene in it when Goldie Hawn is taking a shower, and a giant cockroach falls off the shower head onto HER head. Needless to say, she freaks out, starts screaming, and jumps out of the shower. The next scene is her silhouette chasing it through the bathroom and beating it with a plunger – still screaming like a rabid cavewoman. I giggle when I think of that because there is little difference between that, and how I react. I’m stomping and “hi-ya”-ing and jumping…..Are you seeing it in your mind yet?
I love living here. To me, it’s the absolute perfect blend of country and coast. But even the most beautiful place has at least one downside. Florida’s just happens to be giant, shadow-casting, 2-plus-inch Palmetto Bugs. And since I can’t set fire to the whole state, I’m just going to have to learn to live with their sudden and unwelcome little visits into my home. (full body shudder here)